Going into this experience I tried to pay super close attention to how I was feeling. Especially, how did I cope with being "the other" and what it would be like to feel like that all the time.
When I woke up Sunday morning, I found I was unusually stressed about what to wear. I made the conscious choice to not wear heels since I'm already naturally tall. I realized I didn't want to allow myself to stand out more than I already would. I also found myself picking clothes that were neutral in color and more likely to blend in. Both of these thoughts had never occurred to me before. I was changing my actions based on what others would think of me. I can see how minorities or outsiders would feel this same way. I can't even imagine a Muslim for example putting on their Hijab and knowing it would further alienate themselves from this western culture. Or more simply, someone changing the way they dress/act in order to fit in, but sacrificing their own culture at the same time.
Once I arrived at the church, I was super nervous about going inside. I sat in the car for a while and once I got the courage to get out, ended up just walking around the church for a couple of minutes. due to nervousness.That's when I took these pictures:
I realized I didn't like putting myself out of my comfort zone when I don't have to. I'm not one to go out of my way to experience/learn about other cultures. I was much more comfortable just walking around. However, I realized that this is what "others" have to do every day. Sometimes something as routine as going to school or riding the bus is out of your comfort zone, but it still has to be done. I rarely have to do this which is probably why it bothered me so much this time.
I realized that one of the most uncomfortable parts so far was the fact that I was alone. Everyone I passed walking to/from the church was with their friends and their family. I kept thinking, "This wouldn't be as bad if my husband were here." And of course that's the ideal, but not very realistic. I may have students who are the only one of their race/religion/whatever else in my class and they will feel the same way I did. A lot of them were also wearing jeans and t-shirts while I was wearing a dress which also contributed to my alienation.
Once I got inside, I felt a little bit better. I realized it wasn't as scary as it seemed. I spent a couple of minutes looking at all of the art on the wall and browsing their gift shop. Although this isn't what takes place in my church, it was still a comfortable place to be. Here's a picture I took:
I didn't take any more pictures once inside the chapel (for obvious reasons).
They started mass with some songs in Spanish which I of course didn't know. This made me realize what was brought up last portfolio when I was asked what about my culture would be bad to have in the classroom. I felt excluded and left out because I didn't know what everyone else was doing/talking about. Likewise, if I'm constantly including white/American pop-culture references in my classroom, I'm sure to exclude many of my students.
The rest of the mass continued on in a similar way. Some singing, some preaching, and some scripture reading. I was okay with most of that part other than feeling lost at some times due to the lack of Spanish/Catholic knowledge. I wished someone would've handed me a hymn book or offered to sit with me so I knew a little better what was going on.
In this case, I did not interact with anyone since that was what everyone else was doing. Everyone seemed to grab a hymn book out of their bag (I wasn't aware that I should have brought one, nor did I even know where to find one). I also realize that I might have been able to sit with someone, but I noticed that each family was sitting together. Since I wasn't there with anyone from my family I felt it inappropriate to go sit with someone else and intrude on their family.
I did notice many similarities between our cultures as well. We both go to church to feel the spirit and get closer to God. We have families who are to noisy and kids who cry during the prayer. Of course we're different, but looking back I think it would've helped me to focus more on these commonalities.
Overall, I did not like being "the other." I would guess that no one really does, but I was surprised how much I was bothered by it. I did not cope with it well. I felt so uncomfortable and that everyone was watching and judging me and wondering "Why is this little white girl here?" I know they probably glanced my way and continued on with their worship and didn't give too much thought to me, but I couldn't help feeling anxious about it the whole time anyway. I like to consider myself a confident, independent woman, but was surprised about how quickly I was shrunk simply by being placed in a different environment.
This helped me realize that if I have students who aren't getting along, aren't participating, or are simply keeping to myself, that they're probably uncomfortable in some way. I need to adapt my teaching/classroom to be more inclusive. I want my students to all know each other's names and to always be sitting by a partner so they can know what's going on if they get lost. I also need to be aware of those who are left out and find a way to include them. This inclusion could be in the form of a friend with a similar background, using examples from their culture, or anything of the sort. I know it would've helped me knowing that someone high up (such as the priest or in the classroom's case, the teacher) acknowledge me and tell me they're glad to have me there. This is what I can do for my students.
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